Today is one of those days where I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, but I can’t seem to quite get them sorted out. It’s like I have so much to say, but can’t form the words. Maybe I need to take some time to meditate and just clear my mind, or maybe I should paint something. I need to do something…
The most amazing thing I have ever witnessed is watching a child discover. When a child discovers something new, whether it be their hands or a bug or the wind blowing the leaves, they have the most genuine look of wonder and astonishment on their face. I feel like we have lost sight of how truly amazing the world around us is. We take the everyday miracles of life for granted. I need to remember how amazing it is just to wake up in the morning, to feel the sun on my face, and to be able to be with people I love and who love me. I am truly blessed every single day.
As I get ready to go to my cousin’s wedding this evening, I can’t help but think about my own wedding day just 4 short months ago. That really was the best day of my life. The weather was perfect, everything went smoothly, and everyone had a great time, but even more than that I remember the little moments. The moment I put on my dress, and the moment I walked into the gardens just waiting anxiously for the ceremony to begin, seeing Drew’s face as I walked down the aisle, when the pastor asked if I took Andrew to be my lawfully wedded wife (LOL), the most perfect kiss of my entire life, and the first time we were announced as Mr. and Mrs. There are just so many memories. I hope that 10, 20, 50 years from now I can remember everything as vividly as I do now, and still feel the same way when I think about that day. Thinking about that day makes me happy. Not happy in the way that you get when something goes your way, or when you see a good movie, but happy in a way that is almost indescribable. Happy deep down in my core, like my heart is smiling. I may be young but I know that I will love Andrew Stephen Harris until the day that I die, and I have no doubt in my mind that we will be together just as long. I know there will be hard times, but I will just think back to how I felt the day that I married the man I love and my heart will smile.
I have been making a lot of changes in my life over the last few weeks, and I guess in a way I am growing up. Which to me is funny because everyone says I am so ‘old’ for my age… especially compared to most of the 21 year olds I know. This is the first time in my life that I am fully focused on me, and making myself happy. I have never done that before, my main focus has always been on others. I have started to try and take better care of my health, in a natural way. I have been trying to focus more on the “little things”, enjoying the good ones and letting go of the bad ones. One of the most difficult changes I have tried to make recently is who I surround myself with. I have been making the conscious decision to surround myself with genuinely good people. People who I don’t feel like I have to babysit all the time. People who, after I hang out with them, I feel good about the time I spent. I have realized that the people around you have so much of an effect on your mood and your outlook and I don’t want to just be around certain people because that is what I’m used to, I want to enjoy the people I’m around and feel like I am gaining something from their friendship. Even if what I’m gaining is just a smile once in a while. That’s all I need.
I’ve come a long way in realizing who I am, and who I want to be, but I still have a long way to go.
My husband is one of the most intelligent, driven, hardworking people I know. Everyone, except him, knows it. He has made the Dean’s list every semester of his college career and has never failed to accomplish something that he set his mind to, but the other night, as we were discussing his new decision to become a lawyer, he said to me that he has always expected himself to be poor his whole life. This baffled me. How can someone so talented have so little hope for themselves? He has so many people willing do to anything in their power to help him, yet he still doesn’t believe that he can accomplish his goals. No matter what I, his parents, counselors, friends, or family, say to him, no matter how much faith we have in him to do anything he sets his mind on. He still does not have the faith in himself, and that makes me sad. I hope he begins to see the potential in himself and all that he can do. and I just want to say this…
You are an amazing individual. You are brilliant, hardworking, and dedicated but in addition to that you are compassionate, caring, kind, and so many other things. I hope you know that no one in the world doubts what you can accomplish. Especially me. You consistently amaze me with your dedication to all of the things you decide to take part in. Whether it be work, school, sports, or our marriage. You are an amazing husband, and I know that you will make an amazing father and lawyer or whatever else it is you decide to do with your life. No matter what happens in our future, I will be standing behind you to catch you when you fall, or to cheer you on in the journey. I love you more each and every day.
I miss you… So much has changed since I last saw you. I wish I could talk to you about everything. You used to give me such good advice. There is so much in my life that I could use your advice on. Me and Andy have been talking more about when we want to have kids, and as excited as it makes me.. I’m terrified. Who am I going to go to when I don’t know what to do? You were the best mom. Not only to me, but to everyone. I feel like you knew everything there was to know about raising kids. I always knew when it came time for me to be a mom that I would be just fine because no matter what you would be there to answer my questions, back me up, and tell me when I was worrying for nothing. But you’re not and that terrifies me like you wouldn’t believe. I know I will do okay but I just wish you were here.